I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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