There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It's rum buckets o'clock
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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