okay pat passed out under dana's car
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
