Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
