hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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