well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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