so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
