I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
