I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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