Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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