totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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