Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
