totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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