Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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