I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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