There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
