So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
