Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
