she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
