My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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