It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
