You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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