my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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