Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
