I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
