maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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