Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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