I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
