You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
