Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
