Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
