dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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