Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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