I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
