Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
