I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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