but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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