He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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