But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
