Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
