Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
