did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
