And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
