i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
