yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
