his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
