I need help removing her.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
