you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
