a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
