I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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